Sixty Three

Loneliness is a strange thing.

It’s a discovery. A recognition.
Like learning an appropriate, ‘aha!’ word like “deja vu”, and understanding exactly what it means.

And I too, one day, discovered it. Realized it was there. And understood that it had always been.
There has been no stop to looking back.
My silent stalker.

On days, we are close. I can hear its breathing, and feel its pulse under my skin. Slow. Slowing down time. Giving me more hours to kill.

The things I have done to add interruptions and full-stops to our conversations.
To put distance between us.

A job. Knitting classes. Schedules and deadlines. Music that blares in my ears. Books that turn the pages of my mind. Movies that make my eyes run. Hobbies. A taste for alcohol. Marriage. Love.

But nothing can hide or change the fact that I am alone.
With my loneliness.

I think I’d liken it to a shadow.
Not always an absolute. Never a solid black. Can’t really call it a white.
It’s not ever really absent. I never rid of it – you can always trace it back to my feet.
Sometimes, it’s only just me, other times, it’s many me’s, depending on where I’m seeing it from.

It grows longer over the day.
It’s the longest, before night.

And I decided, I would put my loneliness out for good. Turn off the light. Kill the shadow.
So, I ended it all. I turned in.

But loneliness is a strange thing.

It’s followed me into the afterlife.
And now, I have all of eternity to spend with it.

8 thoughts on “Sixty Three”

  1. Reminds me of this quote from the Bible…forgot which Gospel and verse…which says whatever we have will have to be left behind when we die.I love how you’ve personified loneliness over here…like this faithful friend you don’t want. Brilliant!

  2. Reminds of this song: Circle of friends – Edie Brickell http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kpxNXZCLBgMe, I’m a part of your circle of friendsand we notice you don’t come around Me, I think it all depends on you touching ground with us. But, I quit. I give up. Nothing’s good enough for anybody elseit seems. And I quit. I give up. Nothing’s good enough for anybody else it seems. And being alone is the best way to be. When I’m by myself it’s the best way to be. When I’m all alone it’s the best way to be. When I’m by myself nobody else can say goodbye. Everything is temporary anyway. When the streets are wet — the color slip into the sky. But I don’t know why that means you and I are- that means you and…. I quit — I give up.Nothin’s good enough for anybody else it seems. But I quit. I give up. Nothing’s good enough for anybody else it seems. And being alone is the best way to be. When I’m by myself it’s the best way to be. When I’m all alone it’s the best way to be.When I’m by myself nobody else can say… Me, I’m a part of your circle of friends and we notice you don’t come around.Halalalalalala

  3. Well, that was stunning! One of the best posts on loneliness that I’ve read.I’m going to make myself a regular in this space, if you don’t mind.

  4. I think you suffer from some split personality thingie. For sure. But that will be discussed another time, another place.I love the last part — the whole afterlife thing. 🙂

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